A stroll down the narrow streets of an urban setting, not too far from the unorganized distinctiveness that India presents, led me into a tapestry of thoughts — thoughts so interwoven that the chaotic realm was unfolding into distinct parts of a connected system. Where individuality blends into the realms of societal thought processes, and ultimately, civilizational nuances, I was left pondering. Curiosity becomes a pattern embedded into the subconscious- the logical meanderings, artistic enigma, societal discernment, inter-personal engagements, and individual purpose- all collude to inject into the mind an almost unthinkable number of data points. Over the years, personalities that were embedded into my subconscious included these very systems- the dark side of knowledge if the very confounding of seemingly erudite experiences; where one would want to simply enjoy the microscopic moments of life, I had to unravel these complexities or switch out of them to just be.
What does it take to live in a world with so many variables? Where fear and greed are the two driving forces of society? During the deep taverns of thinking that my mind dived into, little did I realize that reading or learning can lead to trains of thought that form extra complex networks, leading to stimuli that the same place would not have otherwise offered. While many admire the beauty of a so-called architectural marvel, I empathize, visualize and draw in-ward, all to rationally deconstruct the specific elements that these networks automatically sprout into your thought chains. While a friend enjoys the stigmatized emblems of opulence, I wonder whether grandiose is a capitalistic endpoint, a mere hedonistic journey or whether the truth of the moment is in the manifestation of the reward that it represents, of labour. There are fundamentally two largely opposite personalities —
- The introvert, the silent observer, who loves a few, opens up slowly, and builds reserves of defence and resilience, and often thinks of the dangers or perils that he or she might face if the gates are left unguarded
- The extrovert, the outspoken, who engages with people, opens up easily, builds up reserves of moderate to extreme aggression, and often faces the consequences of the dangers or perils of leaving the gates open.
I often find myself at odds with these two distinct personalities With information hounding us almost like a bizarre army from one of the World Wars, it paints an automatically diverse picture, doesn’t it? The educational frameworks, and practical learning help in uncovering these patterns to a large extent, but remember the consequence of the last piece -the self. The extrovert discerns patterns in people faster and finds oneself, but the introvert figures the self through deeper engagements in solitude. Imagine blending these into one human — you then have an interesting mix where the mental fortitude targets a stronger definition of the networks built, which can only occur through consistent cementing of your knowledge base through experiences. While the extrovert in me aims to discover human nature, economics, and societal structures through interaction, thereby satiating a craving, the introvert in me constantly draws visuals and logical schemes to understand my position within the ecosystem. This is where I fundamentally differ from the psycho-analysis of being an ambivert. An ambivert ‘switches’ between two modes, but not contemporaneously. The functioning of two systems within a single mind is sometimes an excruciating activity in searching for that flow-state.
For a moment, lets keep the psychological definitions aside and look at what exactly goes through when one wants to make a ‘switch’. On a tiring day, I’m sure you come back and enjoy that time alone, or bond with your family to ‘complete’ your day- something in the mind consciously tells you that those moments are what make your day worth living. Put yourself into the shoes of someone who wonders whether reading a book amidst family might be the right way to go — will the 50% experience enable a fulfilling system? More often than not, the answer is no. Life compounds into a state of seemingly disconnected characters fit into a single unit.
I’ve personally enjoyed the side of mine that embraces human beings, my closest circle has often been the backbone of creating ideas and experiences that provide me with memories that I can date back to. From the times we’ve walked on the beaches, cycled across towns, sipped tea right up in the hills, slept after 40 hours of partying, and much more…to the times we have sat right on the couch and discussed how we are crafting ourselves, I have etched these into the deepest tapestries of my memory. The gift of exuberance and abundance of altruistic thinking have both helped me delve into people’s lives and almost effortlessly blend into families, to see their laughs and smiles often made my day.
What I have grappled with is the art of companionship & of partnership, the duality that it brings about, the beautiful compromises and negotiations that come with a simple duality. What is my authenticity? I am and have always been honest about a momentary state, and have reveled moments where I imagine lives with a partner, but what does the theme indicate. One of the most complex, yet beautiful relationship is the one that can elevate your being — energize you, and make you want to achieve more. Having led teams, across sports, and at work, this task would seem like a mundane one, but what makes a relationship complex is the diversity of needs and wants that can weaved into a working system. From the differences in thoughts arising from the gender, to the family and society, these authentic habits that you build with a partner can postulate a large part of a blended life.
Over time, my quest for knowledge has transcended into the quest for oneness, of understanding the world as a single interconnected system where I can decipher a few parts. The contemporaneous ambivalence has injected levels of complexity that I find difficult to pen down a times, but has often intersected with what relationships bring about for me- while emotional endeavours often drag me out of a comfort zone and throw an otherwise well performing system out of balance, the discomfort is efficiently satisfying at times — and the goal is to figure out who fits this puzzle as effortlessly as she can- of a friend who engages in this very duality- of knowing when to take things to the deep end of the future, while living life as if knowing the present automatically engages the future.
As an individual on a path to discovering the world through a lens that is factual, artistic, and romantic, the article isn’t a holistic picture but something that I have pondered about, but about a personality that I deeply wish to dedicate to the world.
