“The question is not why the addiction, but they the pain” — Dr.Gabor Mate
Stuttering across the hall, a friend watched a man lost deep in his subconscious- what might have been the case today, she pondered; the answer the same as it would be every other day. The repetitive patterns of drinking had become almost an inescapable reality. She lingered away, into her own thoughts — who…? the mum or the daughter? A growing daughter, carefree by nature knew the positive influences her father had on her, but what would the chasms be between them. The divide creates a valley, where the two interact, standing on either side. The daughter wishes to connect- she lays a bridge only to withdraw it during those moments when she wishes things were easier. Her own realms of thoughts stuttered. In her own shadow, questions of her path kept forging new forms, shaped by realities she visualized in other families, a small pocket of what she wished for lived in others.
“Daughters may experience feelings of confusion, disappointment, and insecurity as they witness their fathers struggle with addiction. Communication breakdowns and a lack of emotional connection can further erode the relationship. Daughters may also bear the emotional burden of caring for their fathers or coping with the consequences of their addiction.”
With emotions high, and inhibitions low, arguments become commonplace; questioning the addiction leads to a spike in responses. During arguments, emotional responses often experience a significant spike as individuals become more impassioned and engaged in the conflict. The heightened emotional intensity can lead to a surge in feelings such as anger, frustration, and defensiveness, which can impact the quality of communication and the resolution of the dispute. How does a mother and daughter/ son react to a father who stops becoming a father for a few moments a day consistently?
The questions piled on, as her father lay on a couch, anger flowing through and sending signals to her brain..how long could she control — she searched for answers in the deepest crevices of her mind, the deepest abysses of her growing intelligence… nothing could rationalize an addiction that seemed to the young mind — voluntary. She walked into her room, constantly looking for respite in her own friends- they were her strength. A part of the security that is supposed to be offered by parental attention was squandered, the burden was on the mind to satiate itself with external support systems. This wasn’t to imply that the father wasn’t always available. The abated mind had to learn to switch between the state in which he was a father and the state in which he was an addict. The outside world is often unapologetically harsh to the addict, when what he needs is care and nurture- the very systems that wasn’t completely fulfilled in his childhood- what he receives is the treatment of an outcast. In a viscous cycle, the man unaware turns to engage in even more consumption.
“What he needed was a warm embrace of a family, and the acceptance of a mother, but what he got was judgement and criticism, and what he became was a lost reality of a probable genius.”
The predicament of the wife who grew up in an academically rigorous setting is even more intriguing. When surrounded by a family that firmly believed in meritocracy, the reconciliation of an addict and the behaviour is almost impossible, unless the mind trains it to deeply empathize with the very fragments of imagination that the addict experiences. The wife struggles to narrate her own pain, deeply trying to engage in internal conversations to ‘fix’ what is now a combination — life. She tries to distance herself from his family, yet is a part of it; from his friend circles, yet is a part of it; and from his daily deterioration, yet is a part of it. Her own excellence becomes an impediment to understanding the mind of her husband. Her childhood was the opposite of his — and therefore, adulthood too. What she went through was performance, what he went through was escapism.
Remember, during all these times, he has a whole lot of love to offer- he cares for his family, he builds systems for his family, and he want to weave a cocoon for them — a place only for them, away from anything that could potentially cause them harm — his parenting style — the complete opposite of what his mum did, but we’ll get to that later.
Alcohol addiction, often referred to as alcoholism, is a chronic and debilitating condition characterized by a compulsive and unhealthy dependence on alcohol. It can have profound physical, psychological, and social consequences, and seeking professional help is often essential for recovery. But to ostracize them is to tell them that they are wrong — and not understand the root cause of their addiction.
In finding her own space, the daughter relives moments of concealed pain, deeply embedded in her mind is the want for stability. Her system is wired to seek the complete experience of a father, and when the consistent pings of distress peaks, she goes into her own shell, etching a sense of detachment from specific systems within a bond. Her dad is her source of joy, but also her source of deep emotional distress. In a growing mind, this emotional distress leads to apathy towards relationships — a stark reminder of what it might encompass.
The father-mother system can be understood as a synchronized mechanism that functions with remarkable harmony, akin to a finely-tuned orchestra. However, any disruptions to this delicate equilibrium can result in discord and heightened instability. Picture yourself entering into a situation where two opposing forces, one symbolizing excellence and the other embodying a free-spirited nature, engage in emotional competition. This scenario yields a bewildering amalgamation of perspectives and sentiments.Within this dynamic, the wife endeavors to scrutinize the ramifications of a specific behavior, while the husband employs his sharp wit as a defense mechanism to deflect the inquiry. It’s essential to recognize that this sharp wit often serves as a means to evade genuine emotions and rational discourse. The roots of these conflicts are deeply intertwined with each individual’s personal understanding and history.As people attempt to decipher the intricacies of the husband’s thought process, they often overlook the enduring effects of his upbringing and childhood experiences. These past experiences manifest in his interactions with both his mother and daughter, influencing his behavior in ways that may not be readily apparent.
His childhood impact: Bad parenting can breed future bad parents — his mother’s fallacy
During the formative years of a child’s life, they naturally seek their parents as a source of security and stability. Parents function as a safety net, providing an environment where the child can experience unconditional love and acceptance with minimal judgment and maximum affection. The essence of effective parenting lies in the intricate process of guiding a child in the discovery of their authentic self.
To better illustrate this scenario, let’s consider a father who epitomizes discipline and functionality, paired with a wife who, while disciplined, compensates for a lack of affection by inflating her ego through external validation from society. It’s worth noting that this compensatory behavior may stem from her own upbringing and early experiences. However, her need for societal approval becomes so paramount that she unconsciously transfers her unmet emotional needs into the mental framework of her children.
Initially, this might seem like a benign practice, but it carries profound implications for the mother-son relationship. As time goes on, the mother becomes increasingly assertive and even aggressive in her actions. She tends to criticize her son’s choices and is quick to express approval only for those aspects that can be showcased to society. Consequently, the pursuit of societal validation gradually emerges as the dominant force driving her approach to parenting, sidelining her child’s genuine needs and individual growth.
In simpler terms, if her son aspires to be an artist, she might compel him to pursue a career as an engineer because society places higher value on the latter, anticipating greater future success and recognition. The displacement of genuine appreciation at such a critical stage in the child’s development can lead to a growing rift between them.
At a certain juncture during his childhood, the son finds himself faced with two diverging paths:
1. Conformity: He may choose to conform and align himself with his mother’s desires, even at the expense of his own authentic aspirations and needs.
2. Rebellion: Alternatively, he might rebel against his mother’s expectations, embarking on a quest to establish his own distinct personality and assert his independence, in part as a means of proving a point to his mother and asserting his individuality.
He chose 2, while choosing this very path, a mother is no longer seen as a protector, but as an impediment to personal growth, someone who curtails liberty. The comfort seeking gets displaced to the external environment again- while this may be simple systems of friends, it also leads to a tendency to drift towards addictive substances.
Lets put into the fold, a younger brother : one who understands the household’s dynamic. During his younger days, the mother would try and inflict the same source of parenting style but with a twist, a dangerous one:
“I hope you don’t turn out like your older brother” (The exact statement needn’t be made, but what I intend to convey is the tone of the conversation)
The younger brother quickly will try to learn by empathizing with multiple individuals, and building his identity around what the mother would approve of- to him, the older brother would grow up to be someone who he needed to take care of. While the concerns are fundamentally of care, the growth of this sort of dynamic leads to the role of a negotiator- he takes on the responsibility of being responsible.
The mother quickly forms a connection with the younger brother — and over the years the older brother cannot find peace, home became a space to breed hidden anger!
Filled with an interaction which is destructive, the mother becomes a figure of opposing forces. The mind constantly craves for affection from the source, but gets the opposite — tyranny is the image of the mother. These incidents constantly carve a space where he loses certain visions of parenting, and the mind turns to a dangerous calling- addictive substances. Not everything can be blamed on him, for he was just responding. Where would he have gone? But the worst part- society derides him for the very addiction that he used as source of escapism, his happiness.
What happens to the man in the next phase?
“While alcohol became a tool for escapism, the addiction unintended.”
His mind wandered, possibly wondered — will my mother accept me for who I am? Alcohol helps you forget these emotional states, and your safe place, a place where you no longer need approval — the addiction is your approval, the control of your mind is submitted into states of complete peace — confronting emotions become unnecessary- alcohol took care of it.
Friendships and conversations over alcohol become a routine that he uses as his form of escape- his safe space- the very space he couldn’t secure at home.
Can we connect this to his own parenting style ?
While his mother was the embodiment of embracing a harsh, comparative and critical style of parenting, he goes to the opposite end of the spectrum. His own child gets complete explosive freedom: he doesn’t want to control or maneuver any part of her life. He starts believing in the orchestration of a life that is free-spirited. Remember that his daughter also faces a contradictory style of parenting from the mother- the mother believes in excellence. This dichotomy leads her to form her own connections, and through her nurtured confidence, and days of sobbing within her own dark space, the daughter relieves her emotions. Among all the arguments, she goes back and wonders what exactly her life has for her. In her own ways, resolving conflict in relationships becomes a tough task, but she goes for it- always there for her friends, because she knows the value of relationships. Her friends form a networked part of a social system that she loves.
In conclusion, the perils of alcoholism in a father extend far beyond the individual struggling with the addiction. The enduring impacts on the child are profound, as they often bear the emotional and psychological scars of a household marked by instability, neglect, and turmoil. The child’s development, self-esteem, and overall well-being are compromised, with the potential for long-lasting consequences that can affect their own relationships.. Recognizing the gravity of the situation, providing support and intervention for both the father and the child is imperative in breaking the cycle of alcoholism and mitigating the repercussions it inflicts on the innocent bystanders within the family. Keeping the mental state of the alcoholic in mind, one must consider the exact nature and reasons for the behaviour and address the root cause of the issue.
