The effervescence of our tangible and our intangible experiences gets condensed into a single question:
‘When are you settling down?’
The apparent ridicule the question presents itself with is embodied by the sentiment that is portrayed in the few words that it encompasses. The keyword- ‘settled.’ The breakdown of this illogical question is poetic, at least in my mind. The story begins at 24, and even earlier for women in developing countries. Often, figments of reality that ‘adults’ who have lived their lives according to a structured, non-chaotic, and less exploratory paradigm, impose on the contemporary society not only dismisses the validity of human evolution, but also leads to the creation of a false pressure, stemming from an arduously pointless reasoning. In saying this, I recognise the struggles, and the enervating dogmas and traditions they have followed. The framework presented to them was of a reality that existed then, and some of them have come out triumphant, living holistic lives- the selected organisms who really thrive by that word- Organic. We need to recognise the nature of our cleanse, and it lies in thorough understanding of context, and as we step into the realm of 2022 and beyond, we are faced with a bludgeoning reality- one that entails finance, medicine, relationships, creativity, space, and much more. The semblance of sanity which an individual can retain is questioned again, with the most ludicrous question — ‘When are you planning on getting settled? -the pseudo-synonym used by families for the word marriage.’ (Not pseudo in their world).
In portraying the reality- let me decompose the word, and showcase a rationale for why ‘settling’ might be ‘unsettling’. First, being forced/coerced into a marriage or a relationship can lead to dire long term consequences. The belief in marriage being a binding factor worked centuries ago, when communication was minimal and networking was limited to the distance a cow or if you were lucky, a horse could take you to. With abundance, comes in extreme divergence in the utility curve of the past and the present (Utility curve- borrowed from economics). In brief, this implies that one seeks happiness in a ‘wider’ range and the presence of options leads to our minds processing more information amidst that chaos. Both genders, more often than not, are grappling with ubiquity of misfit. By 25, the sample size left behind has seen multiple relationships, failed marriages, and possibly a lot more. This is because both sexes have now become more ‘demanding’. The most common statement I have heard from the opposite sex — ‘where are all the good men?’ (I mean, granted I am not that good, but don’t rub it in my face)
Second, assume that you have a life where you are just beginning to explore the world, travelling has just become a part of the world that you have dreamt since 10. You finally have the finances to support what it took you years to accomplish, and then relatives who have no idea about what battles you faced to achieve what you have come forward to give you ‘life-advice.’ The most amusing factor is when they overlay their experiences of a world which had no 1G, forget the 5Gs that we are in now: The amusement stemmed from the sequential breakdown of advice that I have heard from my experiences at over 70 weddings (across religions, castes, colours, sects, states):
Step 1: You will not realise it now, you will realise it later — loneliness hits you- Seriously, how exactly does this connect with even their own experiences? If they have been married, how are they qualified to give you advice about how loneliness hits you.
Step 2: You need to make a decision now, so that you have enough time to have babies.
Of course, when you are battling career choices, finance and personal growth, you want to have a baby (that is exactly what we all want to be settled).
Step 3: We are only saying this for your happiness.
The most baffling statement — even when I would show people how content I was, the relentless pursuit of irrationalism was astounding. When you do not want to pursue greatness, or happiness, and you settled in life, stop spewing nonsense, right?
Anyway, I sidetracked; a marriage is a beautiful partnership, and not a burden from Day-0. Not one that curtails your travel plans, but makes you feel like you have found that one human being you probably want to see in your travel photos/ blogs/ Instagram etc when you are 60.
Third, and probably my last point- Finances. Financial management forms a part of my philosophy, and as an educator, I have spent years under the hood, trying to get people to think at a broader, more functional level. When you get married, your expenses eat into, and at times, gobble what you make. Without proper planning in the 21st century, you probably are going to be at the receiving end of a lot of slack. Imagine a household earning 50,000 Rs / month suddenly has a partner to support, and you are scrambling for the extras, probably taking on credit, and making poor decisions. Again, this begs the same question — How is either of the two involved, settled?
In the nauseous, and rather stressful environment, I would like to conclude with the following: (A subjective interpretation)
I would rather go solo than settle. In my universe, the word settle, just means compromise and if you do not find that person you want to settle for, settle with, settle in with, settle by, and whatever other preposition you want to add in there…. I HOPE YOU DO NOT!.
